As you now know, I've had a difficult time with blogging recently. I've been a little nonexistent here. Getting my fingers to the key board without wanting to double over, well thats been a problem. :) I'm just a massive mess right now and I'm forgoing many of my daily duties, not just this. My house is picked up but hasn't been scrubbed in too long, my fridge is stocked but I can't prepare any of it, my bed is not made and does not need to be as I'm in it much of the time. I'm over-emotional and my kids are getting in trouble way more than usual cause messes are stressing me out. Like I said, I'm a mess.
I take my hat off to you moms who have done this, this way, many times before I have. This is not normal for me though for Parker's pregnancy I was certainly nauseous and as my mom often worried, "so pale". I know this is nothing compared to what you have endured for the sake of holding that little baby in your arms. It's insane you guys. Well done! I hope and pray that this nausea is over after my first trimester. I long to feel myself again. Truly. This is miserable.
I've promised to tell my story and I've delayed. 2 reasons. Sometimes (okay, most of the time) sharing is extremely uncomfortable for me and also, I've not had the energy. But here I am now and I'm going to give it a try. Perhaps though I'll have to do it in 2 parts (this is day 3 of writing already!).
I've always wanted a 4th child, from the time that Elliot was born. It's strange really, because I come from a family of 3 girls, and I surely do not intend to maneuver my way to 5 (I'm no patient saint). I've just never felt like my family was "complete" with 3 and when I was pregnant with Elliot, I never felt like that was my last pregnancy. But Phil and I had a discussion in Elliot's early months of life and it was disastrously evident that he was nixing the idea. It was bad timing on my part, to bring that up, and so I never again mentioned it. My sisters and family, they did, always as a bit of a joke and he always joked back but it stayed a decided "no". I had a plan, and I don't tend to have long term schedules and calendar arrangements. They stress me out.
(side note: it's funny I feel this way at all because without being super rigid about it, I've always had lifetime goals in my mind, a year to get married - 22 - a year to have a first child - 26, and so on. anyway ...) But with #4, I had a plan. I hoped to wait for my boys to be bigger, for Elliot to be 3 and in preschool, for life to be a little smoother, diapers a thing of the past, bed time an enjoyable experience. I wanted to give myself time to devote to a baby again and I preferred the idea of doing it when my others were in school and baby and I could snuggle and sleep, take walks outside and meet for coffee dates, just little one and me. No cranky toddler in tow. This seems selfish in a way but I didn't want a forth baby to have to lose what a first might have. Quality time. So I waited until my calendar started to count down, closer and closer it edged to my planned date, and then I got nervous. I didn't want to have that "talk" with Phil. I dreaded it. I began to wonder if perhaps I would not be able to convince him and if there was that chance that this could be our thing, that crossroads that we struggle to overcome, and I wondered if something like that could leave me with regret for the rest of my life. I was scared he would say no and that I would ultimately have no say. I became petrified of the what if's and I knew that I wasn't in this boat alone, that there were many women that had had that same talk with their husbands and had shared that their husbands had ultimately made the decision for no more. It's hard for me to believe that it's that cut and dried, and that one person in a marriage can singularly make that decision for the other. But I believed it possible and I didn't know how I would handle that. Isn't it silly how much one can worry about something that has not yet happened. A made up circumstance. A hypothetical. I used to be a worrier like this in my teens and early 20's and have really overcome that for the most part. I tend to stay away from people that worry and stress about everything and intentionally surround myself with those that live a more laid back, fulfilled, trusting in God kinda life. Those are the people that I need to be around.
Now I have to tell you that though I let myself become a worry wart over this business of a simple talk, I prayed as much as I furrowed my brow. I prayed about this issue all the time and I was specific in my prayers. I asked God to do something that seemed completely extraordinary and I was a little unsure if I should be asking something so "big". Scared He might not answer my prayers the way I asked for Him to, and what then? Was I setting myself up, setting Him up? Isn't that crazy? To believe in God and to love Him with all of your heart but to be so scared to ask for big things. To make things so specific. I've been longing for God to show Himself to me again, in a big way. I used to travel as a part of an outreach team full time for several years and I saw big things every day. God was so close to me, so evident in my life and in everything around me. And when we started having kids, getting older, we started experiencing those kinds of awful hardships that you rarely see as a child. A niece went through something like 13 surgeries in 4 years, family members were diagnosed with cancer, people all around us were going through tragedies. It's hard to grow up! And I've needed God to show me that He is just as much in control now as He has always been. Anyway, back on topic ...
I never asked Phil. We never had a talk about #4. I prayed that God would change Phil's mind and that it would be his decision in the end. I didn't think that would happen cause it seemed so far fetched to me. But I prayed it.
And in September, Phil changed his mind and it was his decision. I never had to bring it up. Amazing.
And now I get to share this last pregnancy with my amazing sister Daena. We are so excited to be able to do this together and it's something that we spoke about and wished would happen but were never sure we would actually get the opportunity to do. She is having her forth child, a sweet little boy, in mid -March and I am having #4 at the end of May. We plan to have the gender be a surprise.
Now we just need to get little sister Cara to join us too and then this great experience will be absolutely complete. Love you girls!
